{"id":1446,"date":"2010-06-30T14:46:13","date_gmt":"2010-06-30T22:46:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lisabravermoss.wordpress.com\/?p=307"},"modified":"2022-06-07T20:30:38","modified_gmt":"2022-06-07T20:30:38","slug":"how-to-be-sorry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.lisabravermoss.com\/how-to-be-sorry\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be Sorry"},"content":{"rendered":"

First: walk around with a sense of constitutional wrong<\/em>ness that makes you feel compelled to apologize all the time.\u00a0 Be baffled that people tell you to quit saying you\u2019re sorry.\u00a0 Like prayer, like worry beads: what harm is it doing?<\/p>\n

When others talk about how difficult it is to admit to being wrong, think to yourself, \u201cWell, at least I\u2019ve got that one covered!\u201d<\/p>\n

Begin to figure out that you do not have that one covered.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ve been doing your share of interfering, judging, interrupting, lecturing, resenting, gossiping, rolling your eyes, and generating negative energy in spite of all the apologetics.<\/p>\n

Resolve to improve all around.\u00a0 Find it amazingly hard to kick the apology-as-default habit.\u00a0 Apologies have been helping you manage anxiety, and you haven\u2019t found a good substitute.\u00a0 Meanwhile, you have less of a clue how to be sorry for real than you\u2019d like to admit.<\/p>\n

Slowly get better at saying things like \u201cyou know, you might be right,\u201d and meaning it.\u00a0 Notice yourself becoming more curious, less agitated, about your missteps. \u00a0\u201cMy fault,\u201d you are now able to say.\u00a0 \u201cI should have done x<\/em>, and instead, I did y<\/em>.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to try to do x<\/em> next time.\u201d\u00a0 You concern yourself with learning all this rather than teaching it.<\/p>\n

Notice something surprising: it\u2019s become easier to apologize for your own misdeeds than to tell someone, graciously and effectively, that their behavior is bothering you.<\/p>\n

Start to experiment.\u00a0 Maybe someone you like has disappointed you, and you desperately want to avoid conflict by pretending everything is OK.\u00a0 See what happens if instead, you say mildly, \u201cI\u2019m disappointed.\u00a0 I\u2019d made other plans and was late.\u201d\u00a0 Or:\u00a0 \u201cI felt a little judged when you said x<\/em> just now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Or maybe you\u2019ve spent some time with an acquaintance whose idea of conversation is to bombard you with grandiose rhetoric as if there\u2019s no tomorrow.\u00a0 You are itching to let off steam privately by complaining to someone else about this boorishness.\u00a0 Instead, you tell the person directly that you feel talked down to.\u00a0 You mention that you\u2019d appreciate being asked about yourself occasionally.\u00a0 You\u2019re nice about it.<\/p>\n

Notice that the person doesn\u2019t attack you but, rather, agrees.\u00a0 Notice that the behavior does not subsequently change.\u00a0 Notice your sense of accomplishment anyway.<\/p>\n

Slip back, sometimes, into pretending.\u00a0 Slip back into sorry-hood.\u00a0 But find yourself able to snap out of those states more quickly.\u00a0 Notice that you\u2019re not quite as anxious as you once were.<\/p>\n

Of course, you\u2019re still easily triggered by false apologies around you.\u00a0 For example, you want to excoriate White House correspondent Helen Thomas for the shockingly ill-informed and ethnically tone-deaf comments she made recently about Israel and Jews\u2014and for her then squandering a teachable moment on a Washington-politician-style statement of pseudo-regret.<\/p>\n

In fact, you set out to write a column about Helen Thomas and her so-called apology, but wound up writing this instead.<\/p>\n

Notice that you\u2019re not sorry.<\/p>\n

Published in The Piedmont Post<\/em>, June 30, 2010<\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

First: walk around with a sense of constitutional wrongness that makes you feel compelled to apologize all the time.\u00a0 Be baffled that people tell you to quit saying you\u2019re sorry.\u00a0 Like prayer, like worry beads: what harm is it doing? 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