\u201cWell then,\u201d Rabbi Straus counseled, \u201cyou\u2019ll need to give yourself permission to mourn twice.\u201d<\/p>\n
The rabbi was new to our congregation, and I hadn\u2019t met him yet; we were talking by phone.\u00a0 \u201cMourn twice?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnce for the mother you had, and once for the mother you didn\u2019t have.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019d just told Rabbi Straus that my mom was under hospice care and was unlikely to last much longer.\u00a0 And I\u2019d provided him with a brief background:\u00a0 Mom was not a nurturer; she was difficult, and had caused her children a lot of suffering.\u00a0 With her death imminent, I\u2019d felt some urgency about pre-empting any assumptions Rabbi Straus might make about Mom.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t bear to hear anything resembling a mother\u2019s love is unconditional<\/em>.<\/p>\n When I level with someone about my mother, I\u2019m always a little startled to be believed. \u00a0Somehow, I expect a lecture: \u00a0surely she meant well; shouldn\u2019t I have moved on by now, forgiven her?<\/p>\n And because my three sisters and I are very close with one another and have been so devoted to Mom, the claim that Mom was destructive or disturbed is bound to confuse.\u00a0 She can\u2019t have been that bad\u2014you all turned out so well!<\/em> runs the cheery skepticism.<\/p>\n She was that bad.\u00a0 But when do I make the case, and when do I let it go?\u00a0 If I smile and let things roll off my back, I feel I\u2019m in some way complicit in the abuse and rejection that my sisters and I survived.\u00a0 If I try to set the record straight, I worry that I sound shrill or not credible.<\/p>\n Mom died on August 2nd<\/sup>, and shortly afterward I spoke candidly with an elderly relative.\u00a0 \u201cYour parents treated you girls horribly,\u201d she told me.\u00a0 She also observed that Mom \u201clost interest\u201d in us once we grew out of babyhood.\u00a0 I was infinitely grateful for this validation, as I was when Mom\u2019s physician reported that my mother had several previously undiagnosed psychiatric conditions as well as dementia.<\/p>\n I know this will sound odd, but lately I\u2019ve been haunted by my own generosity toward Mom. \u00a0Why did my sisters and I move her back here nine years ago?\u00a0 (Tellingly, she\u2019d opted to relocate from Berkeley to New York just as my sister and I were starting families in the Bay Area.)\u00a0 Why did we obsess over hiring only the most loving caregivers for her, include her in seders, bring her to the kids\u2019 recitals?\u00a0 Why the spontaneous Happy Birthday medley we sang at her bedside on her 89th<\/sup> birthday, just eleven days before she died?<\/p>\n What is the world supposed to think of those acts, but that they were the natural outgrowth of a wonderful relationship?<\/p>\n What I\u2019ve begun to realize since Mom died is how humiliated I\u2019d always felt by the way she treated me\u2014how deeply, if irrationally, ashamed.\u00a0 By integrating Mom into our loving families, my sisters and I were rewriting our story, joining the community of adults concerned about aging parents.\u00a0 We couldn\u2019t have the real thing, but at least we\u2019d fashion a soothing retrofit.\u00a0 It was what we could do.<\/p>\n One painful aspect of losing Mom is the use of phrases like \u201cyour beloved mother\u201d in some of the many well-meaning cards and e-mails I\u2019ve received.\u00a0 It\u2019s been an important part of my mourning process to thank each person in writing\u2014with honesty.<\/p>\n Mom was a difficult person<\/em>, I explain, and the challenge for me now is to sort through some very complicated feelings.\u00a0 I greatly appreciate the support of community at this painful time.<\/em><\/p>\n I know my rabbi is behind me on this.<\/p>\n Published in the Piedmont Post<\/em>, September 7, 2011<\/p>\n Please visit www.lisabravermoss.com.\u00a0 Thanks!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cWell then,\u201d Rabbi Straus counseled, \u201cyou\u2019ll need to give yourself permission to mourn twice.\u201d The rabbi was new to our congregation, and I hadn\u2019t met him yet; we were talking by phone.\u00a0 \u201cMourn twice?\u201d \u201cOnce for the mother you had, and once for the mother you didn\u2019t have.\u201d I\u2019d just told Rabbi Straus that my…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[159,160,162,161,163],"yoast_head":"\n